I feel the smooth, cold surface on
my face before I officially rest my eyes in the correct place. It’s a familiar
feeling, one that I’ve been aware of since I was about four. I’m not even sure
what this thing is called. Justin Timberlake recently made it look glamorous by
wearing a suit while standing behind one like I am now. I’m smarter than that –
I don’t find it glamorous at all.
“Okay,
Samantha. Tell me which line you is the clearest and read the letters to me,”
says my long-time optometrist, Dr. Davis.
I squint my
eyes and start at the square of light ahead of me with tiny dots on it.
“Honestly…” I hesitate, “barely even the top one.”
As the
examination that I basically have memorized continues, my suspicions of a
blurrier vision are confirmed when Dr. Davis sighs.
She gets up
and rounds the corner to a long hallway. “Pop out your contacts, I’ll get you
new, much stronger ‘eyeballs.’”
If only I
was born with different ones in the first place.
Really good start. I like the use of dialogue and the quick color that you get from including the Timberlake add.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to seeing what your classmates like and what they'd suggest.
Quick ideas about potential expansion:
1. This could be all about your eyes. What's their biography? What do you think about your own eyes, the eyes of others. You could get real specific on that.
2. Aging. Though you're very young and haven't probably felt too many creaks and groans, you could still reflect on sight and on aging. Something you're afraid of?
3. Other born-withs. Some stuff, try as we might, we just can't fix or outgrow or change. How do you handle that? What do you like about your definites? What bothers you?
DW
P.S. Cool scene, but I'm not seeing the 100-word response to one of the first three essays from Short Takes. Can you post that soon, SC?
Really sorry this took me some time to reply to! I was out of town all week and didn't realize that I didn't post my reaction post. I'll get that on here tonight. Sorry again and thanks for the input!
Delete*weekend
DeleteI really admire your style of writing! It flows like a contemporary novel and you capture the feelings of the characters even in just a few sentences. I would just make it longer and continue to tell what happens next, i'm excited to see where you go with this!
ReplyDeleteSamantha,
ReplyDeleteI love the use of dialogue. I didn't even think of using it at all, so that was nice to see!
Your style is very fresh and familiar. I enjoy it a lot. However, I'd like to read more about what you were feeling in that moment - it's insinuated here, but don't be afraid to be explicit. It's a wonderful start!
I love the way that this was written. It was only a short snippet, but it speaks to a lot of mispacement and sorrow over something like this. I love the way that you flirt with the emotion by using certain words and phrases that we read in a certain light. Really great.
ReplyDeleteSam,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your use of a title for whatever reason that idea completely slipped my mind. I think it adds more character and excitement because I was more curious as to what your writing would include. The mysteriousness of the first paragraph is really well developed, I liked that it took me a second to figure out what you were talking about and that you also used humor to make it more relatable. With your scene add-on I am excited to see how to story continues.
Samantha,
ReplyDeleteBravo! I love the fact that you included dialogue in your piece. In addition, your decision to implicitly describe your eye test at the beginning sparked my interest—it kept me guessing while reading. Perhaps some background on the condition of your eyes prior to the test would be great. I would like to read more about your thoughts and personal reflections— to require assistance to aid your eyesight and the blurred lines of looking at the world and yourself. I’ll find out in your next piece. Awesome Louisiana hot sauce!
-Joshua L.